Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in angelboard400's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
11:24 pm	get a life dear lord i think i may actually be able to get a life now.i have one kid left at home,the other just moved out.i swear im going to do whatever i want and i cant wait. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
4:45 pm	ok i met him,now fast forward to now-i have to move.get rid of house in mariposa move to clovis (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
4:41 pm	biological father im so looking forward to meeting my biological father.i think its special that he wants to come meet me on my birthday,and that he has been sincere enough to fly out from texas to come meet me.i feel like i'll know him a long time. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
5:20 pm	life as of today i wonder what you do when life has been pretty hard through your 46 years of life,and then all of a sudden things got better.I mean this only with gratitude,but life got better,and it's been so long that it has felt good,tha now when things are good,I actually realize i almost feel distrust.im almost afraid to trust how good it feels,and how long it been since ive felt that it was good.my biological father is coming out for my birthday in march,i havent seen him since i was two.he sent me some beautiful pink heart shaped earring for valentines day,and i only just found him a few weeks ago.my older son,24,is going back to texas with him to work on his pecan ranch.i have so much gratitude for that.its like a fairy tale or cinderella story.I'm going to see Bon Jovi (rock concert) tonight.I feel like it was a good day.I wonder if I'll get use to feeling like things can continue to be good again.its been so hard since my ex husband left in 1993,and my parents cannot be depended upon.Julie,my daughter,is 18 today.whoo hoo.!Casey go hit by a car yesterday,but he is ok.it was the driver's fault,and the driver was in a truck.casey was in the crosswalk.that goodness julie's boyfriend garrick took him to the emergancy room,and he was ok. Current Mood: awake Current Music: livin on a prayer (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
4:36 pm	fearful i found my biological father.im 45.im afraid to tell my mother who is in good health and 67.my stepfather raised my sister and i.i was never adopted by him.i cant understand why im so afraid to tell her.i want to at least know this man,i cant look back,he's not a criminal,even though he did leave two kids behind to go back to his home state.i wish i had more guts,and it only exemplifies how influenced and how intimidated i was to not aknowledge that we came from a different father.im more than old enough to make a decision on this,but i dont want to deal with my mother's immaturity and being the drama queen that she is,this sounds cold,but there will be dramatic sniffling and a chance to be the center stage that she will be compelled to act out. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
2:56 pm	awakened to a new experiance I founed my biological father on peoplefinders.com i never believed i would ever find him.im 45 and i havent seen him since 1962.my mom remarried when i was five,and they enrolled me under my stepfathers last name even though i wasnt adopted by him.apparenently my father wanted to go back to oklahoma where his family was,and my mother did not want to go.after she remarried,he lost touch and could not find us becasue there was no way to trace the last name.(my legal last name was never used,from the time i was enrolled in kindergarten,all the way thru high school.) i remember he sent us dolls,and my mother bringing them to me and my only biological sister,with this same father,and she said "your real father sent you these dolls.your "dad" and i have decided to let you keep them" (meaning my stepfather and her)then a few years later,we lived in another house,and she had a letter from my father and i remember it underlined,"love,your father" and she said "we've talked it over and your real father wants you to visit him in oklahoma,and he wants to send you and your sister plane tickets,but we're not going to let you go there.""he has this address and we will let you write to him if you want,BUT it would make your father (stepfather) cry.i wanted so badly to write to him.I said no i would'nt because of the way i was manipulated with that so called choice.my sister and i fantasized all the time for years and years about meeting him.we use to talk secretly between ourselves,with no one around to stop us or make us feel guilty.one time however,we were sitting on the floor of our bedroom,and it was just my sister and i.we were again,just talking thoughtfully about meeting our "real father" and the door was just cracked a little.i said "i like our father now,but i wonder what our real father is like" at that my mother FLUNG the door open dramatically,scaring us half to death,like she caught us doing something terrible,and said "im going to tell your dad what youre talking about,how could you do that" and then the drama queen acted like she was sniffling and emotional over it and left.it was a cruel frightening thing to do.she pretty much always had that levl of maturity and still does act like arrested developement at age 67.i dont want to make a saint of my biological father,but i feel like she played a big hand in keeping us from ever meeting or writing to him.my home life growing up in that family with one half brother and one half sister,and my biological sister,was AWFUL!i was the oldest my biological sister was next,15 months younger than i,and then my half brother who was five years younger and my half sister,six years younger.we all lived in an old 100 yr old two bedroom house.we had three dogs that lived inside,and did everything else inside.i always felt different than everyone else.i hated my bratty half brother and sister,and my mother felt like she was totally consumed by my stepfather and his kids.now i have a chance to build a relationship with a half brother and two half sisters,ive never before met.i just pray that day by day i can walk graciously thru this,and not harbor fear,and try to get used to what good feels like.so far,so good. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
4:43 pm	Etherial mind Sometimes I feel like I didnt want to come back and experiance another icarnation.I have several planets in Pisces (a stellium) and I have a very strict saturn in capricorn in the first house of self.Sometimes i feel how tied in that is to my natural curiosity that has been with me even as a child,for death.I feel like while my heart and mind long for being on the other side,I was grabbed by my ankles by Saturn,and firmly told "No,you are going to experiance this earth life" Unless I am speaking to others who are like minded,in that they also are compelled to explore the other side,I feel uncomfortable,in life.I feel socially dry,and I feel like I impose alot of self isolation on my self.I was always a loner as a child,and was excruciatingly shy.I know I was a nun in one of my previous lives,and on different levels,I relate that to the isolation,and tendancy to want to be alone in quiet,and i also feel I was in a religouis order,such as a nunnery,and I was decapitated for believing in Metaphysical things and practising divination.I still feel like even after all these years,that I am compelled to self loathing and self destructiveness on a lesser level.I use to not be so interested in past lives,but I have grown in alot of experiances and years,and I now feel that I would like to study astrology (spiritual astrolgy) thru the rosicrucian order in oceanside,california simply because they are believing that is there purpose,and if you look online (www.rosicrucianfellowship.com) they have so many articles by thier founder max heindel,that are compelling and fascinating and feel so probable.I do believe it can help you to de mystify the lessons in life,and help to promote acceptance of one's self. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
1:21 pm	Fascination with death I was looking on e bay at funerary art and found the most wonderful itemit was a post mortem box and it contained pictures and cards and other items of the deceased from around the 1800's.it was truly beatiful.i wish i knew why i have a fascination for death and the other side. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
1:15 pm	THE SKELETON KEY I watched a movie over the weekend,about "voo doo" called the skeleton key.Essencially it was boring,however the storyline itself,and the ending were interesting.I've been trying to delve into NECROMANCY,and it's various forms,and I felt like the point of that particular movie,hit something interesting.It had to do with "the conjuror's" casting magik to switch thier souls into new,younger bodies,so they could live forever.It was intriguing.Not so much because that is what I think is necessary,but because it was a version of necromancy,and it had something that was a different twist than most movies."voo doo" is always interesting,even though I know very little about it.It seems exotic and unusual. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
11:21 am	Necromancy I recently went onto a website I found after typing in that word under ask jeeves.I typed in the word NECROMANCY in hopes of finding out more of all the aspects and nuances of that subject.I happened onto a very strange website,and realized what someone had informed me in the past-it is considered a black art.with that in mind i would continue my search,and look further into the subject,and see the different variations of what black art can mean.I'm open minded,but I'm a very positive person,so it will interesting to see how this art can fit into my preferancs and needs. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
9:36 am	plans I was so happy to hear from my french foriegn exchange student,finally.he was here for three weeks in july 2005,and he wanted to return december of 2006.i look forward to it and it inspires me to look for new things to do and places to go.we're going to Monterey (Julie casey and julie's boyfriend garrick) and it will be a blast.it is a big first night festival there,and it looks magical. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
3:03 pm	a better life my brother in law' mother passed away this last week.i no longer will be going to her house and taking care of her.its a relief because i was getting tired of the obligation,and it is also sad,because i felt like it is another change in life that feels so final and creates a reminder that my sister is no longer here,and for some reason i associate those two things.im relieved to leave this obligation behind,i was starting to feel resentful of doing this and also was just plain bored and feeling like i needed more in life than to be spending time with an old lady.i feel sad when i visualize her house and pretend like im mentally walking through it,and looking into the room where i slept in.it was such a comfortable room,and such a great mattress to sleep on,with clean crisp sheets,and a warm, quality down comforter.she use to really know how to make a house a home.i hope i can duplicate that comfort and cleanliness in taking care of my kids and our home.it felt so mentally good to be there.i will miss her.im glad for the time i have had tis last year,to remember her,and to think about how i got to know her as an individual,and i would try to picture what it must have been like for deb to be her daughter in law.im grateful for the comfort and rest it brought me,to have somewhere to go,until there was a more stable situation for myself,to make the decision to find a room close to work,and to find another means to make transportation work for myself.i know she was tired and went peacefully,and i feel like she probably was glad that her grandson didnt find her passed away. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
12:54 pm	mental health I thank God that I have medical benefits.I need to go back to counseling on a routine basis.Im going to try seeing someone new.I need to get Julie in.I pray everything will smooth out and be successful.I feel so lonely and depressed right now.I feel like I cant control my money.I am so compulsive.I would like to change my impulsiveness.I would like to have a more joyful attitude. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
1:06 pm	new diagnosis i just found out i have a second degree av heart block and i think it might have been the medicine i was taking to slow my heart down.anyway it has me freaked out and i have a cardiology apoint coming up,a referral.i hope it gets fixed.i hope i can lose weight and build up my health. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
5:35 pm	my sister's birthday today is Deb's birthday.i miss her so much.I feel like life is not the same without her.I cant believe she is gone.It hurts alot,and there is nothing I can do about it.I wish she were here. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
3:34 pm	relief i paid the rent today,and i had the right amount in the bank after being paid.that has not been that way in a long time.it felt like relief and gave me a feeling of hope that i can do well financially and that i can make things work out.i havent felt a wave of hope for stability like that in a long time. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
1:10 pm	money i wish i could clearly visualize and understand how i can solve my financial mistakes and the consequences of what they cost me in pride and humiliation and also stress and inconveniance.i am just constantly worried about money and that is so tied up in guilt,for not understanding or resolving what creates these awful spirals of having no money and having bills up the butt to pay.i worry about what this does to my kids and to us as a family.i should make enough money to do better than what we have.julie's friend garrick has moved in and i hope im not foolish,but im even praying he can make a difference in what i learn about food shopping,and just having an attitude,that you should be glad to have a roof over your head.i hope everything works out well,and there's no problems with garrick living with us.he has no ohter place to go,and i feel like hopefully it will benefit all of us,since he seems willing to help around the house. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
5:07 pm	life i had a dream about deb last night and i was so sound asleep that i felt that she was really there and i was so excited and i wanted to cry on her shoulder because i missed her so much.a friend suggested i was astro traveling,and it never occurred to me that this time,instead of her coming to me,i went to her.that was the most real dream i have had of her yet.im grateful.i miss her so much. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 4th, 2005
4:01 pm	cheesy the songs are so cheesy that i picked for the bottom of my writings.i can never think of anything good to put in.i am so grateful for my friend ian,who reads tarot cards,also.when i compplain about my parents he understands,and he can really nail what is really bothering me.i realize im tired of them being non supportive regarding my decisions about my life and my kids lives.its always been that way.i feel like i will do anything to get rid of them. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
12:45 pm	realizing/awakening i pick up my voicemails and i hear my crack pot mother saying "cheryl,are you there?" and i cringe and i feel angry.this is a tapestry of the same situation going on and on and on.now how do i get rid of them?i find that i cannot live around them and i feel so used in my life right now.im so scared because i feel like i cant trust myself financially and i also feel like God forbid I should ever live with those people again,because i am financially or emotionally in need.if i can get the kids gone it will make a difference who i have to depend on.if they help financially thats one thing,but i feel the incredible pinch of no net when it comes to the child support being drastically reduced.i wish michael really could help financially as he professes to want to do,but i dont see him mentally being able to really function with us as a family.no ive only got myself to rely on,and if i can get rid of my parents and thier two kids and thier families,i will.even my brother in law and his family suck.im alone. (Comment on this)